Oh guys! I'm so anxious right now... I'm on the fence here about when they're going to pop me as I'm lovingly referring to it. I want her here, if we're going to be getting her early! I don't know if this will be the last  set of pictures or not... I'll be 34 weeks tomorrow so I'm pretty positive that, if you get any more, one will be the most. There's not a lot I can do about that one, folks. ;)

In these pics, it looks like I shrank rather than boomed! I was so bloated in the first one, and I was... I dunno, whatcha call it... carrying water weight. Was not fun... lasted three or four days. Now, my belly is just all cute and happy. Hehe.

I love you guys and I'll post again, soon!

I went to the hospital on Thursday; one hell of a ride.

I wake up to just... a feeling. Does anyone else know the one I mean? When something isn't right and you can feel it. I wake up to a feeling and blood. It wasn't much, really, not quite as little as spotting, though.  I'd had no spotting thru the rest, yet, and it panicked me. I hadn't felt her move for the whole previous day, and so I was jumping to conclusions, worrying a lot. The spotting didn't stop, so I called Josh's mom and had her drive me to the emergency room.

They took me back, did an ultrasound, and searched for a heartbeat. It took them 2 and a half minutes to find one. Honestly the longest of my life. They said the heartrate was below normal and that they wanted to monitor for a little while. They also told me that I cannot carry her to 37 weeks, full term. My amniotic fluid is too low to do so, and I'll have to induce at around 33-35 weeks if she doesn't come naturally. 

All of this was scaring me. They kept giving each other these worried, anxious looks like they were leaving me out of something. Every single time they checked the heartrate. It eventually balanced back out, but I was terrified. They did not explain the spotting. They just told me to stay off my feet for about a day, and to take my prenatal vitamins. They were talking about putting me on Progesterone Supplements, but the fact is, no test showed that my ovaries didn't produce enough progesterone beforehand, and there are certain dangers to starting the meds this late... 

It was awful. I am relieved now, of course, but my God... It was terrifying.

Josh is upset that I didn't call him to the hospital; I couldn't. This wasn't about my love life, or anyone else but my daughter. I couldn't focus or hold it together if he was there. I called and respectfully told him about it afterwards, but there was little choice in whether he could be there or not. He asked if he could come by and look at the ultrasound printouts. I said no. 

The key to bedrest is to be calm.

Sorry for the dry spell between posts; I feel like it's been forever.

Things have been really good lately; I've been saving money and I've got most of Baby Girl's room done.
I've gained hardly any weight.
There is no Josh, there is no Jaq.

There's a whole lotta Mama, though. ;)
Actually, not a whole lot of Mama, yet. I can't decide if I look preggo or just like a fat ass in some clothes.
Haha.

So, the way it went.

Jaq came over, and it turned out to be more of a timid initiation to admitting he cared about me as more than a friend. He brought over some non-alcoholic champagne and a pizza and we watched the Carson Daily balldrop instead of the Dick Clark one. It was too depressing. 

At midnight we kissed. We kissed for some time after that.

He looked me dead in the eyes and told me that he would stand by me my whole pregnancy like a real man if it was his child and that his feelings for me were "strong enough" to have him by me even now.

This further complicated my feelings. I still love Josh. 
I hate him in a lot of ways, but I cannot hate him for what grows inside me and the love that grew between us. 
Having Jaq over was a mistake. 

I never wanted to raise a child in a place in my life where I'd have to say, "There was a time when your father and I loved each other".
I wanted the whole damned cliche`; The picket fences and white houses in happy little Middle Class Suburbia, USA.

Now that can never happen.

Should I call Jaq and tell him that it can't happen again?
I'm just really confused.

Not a lot to report, just jotting down some of the names I'm considering so far... 
pay me little to no mind, if in fact anyone is reading. 

Tru Anna Torrance
Teneil Maria Torrance
Shelby Lynn Torrance
Lucia Ava Torrance
Mehani Juselle Torrance

I know they are sort of out there, but it's just me thinking, anyhow. 
The Hawaiian name (Mehani) was her great-Gram Kanani's middle name.
Tru is also a family name.

1. I'm Shiloh Marie Torrance.
   You'd know my last name from my yahoo ID anyways.
   
2. I'm pregnant with a baby girl, who I've yet to decide a name for. 
   I have a few picked out, though.
   
3. I'm twenty years old.
   
4. I was engaged when I became pregnant to a man named Josh, that I thought I honestly loved and was loved by.
   Apparently, forever is acceptable, but the responsibility of a child is too much for him.
   
5. I have never been happier than now, thinking about my daughter and the kind of life I can give her.
   
6. I don't currently work; I get support from Josh and from my parents.

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